When the people that you love and love you left you.

Back in secondary school, I am quite close with this one girl in my class. Coincidentally, we stayed in the same taman, so sometimes I will cycle pass her house to see if she is around. Sometimes she is outside, so I can have some chat with her. She is a girl that I really care about. 

I remember there is once, we need to write an English essay with computer and print it out. Basically we just need to type something and print. When I reach her house by cycling, she told me she had no idea what essay to write. However, next day is the due date already. So I cycle back home, finish typing something from an essay book that I got from my elder brother, basically I just copy everything word by word from the book to computer, save it to diskette and then pass it to her. She is shocked that it was done in such a short time.

When we finish form 5, we didnt contact each other anymore. It is because the last time I met her, I knew she already had a boyfriend. Few months after SPM, I got a news that she passed away. I am quite shocked but the tears didn't come immediately. It only came when I am thinking about it at night time.

If she didn't pass away, we might be going to form 6 together, we might be even together....

Thinking back, when I stayed in hospital with my mom, I texted her using sms that I am in hospital. She called me immediately to ask what happened.... I felt a bit touched at that time. 


I became kinda moody after she passed away, but life goes on.


There is this one person in church, an advisor, that really take good care of my brothers and me. He sees us like his own son, taking good care of us, teach us how to play harmonica and so on. We are also very close with his eldest son.

One day, he got caught in an accident and hospitalized. We felt shocked and visited in hospital but he is in coma state. After few weeks of treatment, there is no improvement because he is fully depending on machine to survive. So the doctor told the family, they have to take off the machine and let him survive on his own. The chances to live on is slim. He then passed away leaving his 3 sons that is still very young. 

I tried to comfort his eldest son because we are very close.


Few months if not a years later, my mom is the one who passed away. She is having a hard time breathing. Dad got back from work, saw mom is suffering, called pastor, pastor came, we prayed, we sang some peaceful song, we realized my mom's blood vein at her neck is pumping slower, I looked at my elder brother and he looked at me at the same time, we are scared, she slowly stopped breathing. We cried. 

It felt sucks when all the people that you love and the people that love you left earlier. I wonder who else will have this kind of sad experience. 

Nightmare when I was a kid.

I always have this nightmare when I was a kid.

Something like someone is shouting inside my head, loudly, fiercely and made me a bit scared every time that happened. It hasn't happened for quite some time but it appeared again just now. Now it's gone again. Usually it happens when I am resting or sleeping but just now it happened when I am wide awake, playing games. 

I guess I am just too tired. And maybe a bit emotional too because I remembered that 3 persons that really care about me when I was studying, all 3 of them passed away in 1 year. 

I will write about them ... maybe in my next post, just to remember them.

My First Dota 2 MMR

I had play Dota 2 since its release. But I never really play a ranked to a point that I got MMR. The first time I played MMR game is with Luke when I was in Bintulu with him. He told me MMR game won't have leaver for sure. Surprisingly, he is quite a good dota 2 player.

So recently, I went to cyber cafe to play Dota 2, sometimes play up to 6 hours. Sometimes play other game too. However,  Dota 2 MMR only appear if you play ranked game.

Solo MMR can be gotten if you search for ranked game alone.

Party MMR can be gotten if you party with someone and searched for ranked game in party. 

Both type of ranked game need 10 games to start evaluating your MMR. So I finished my first 10 games of ranked match and got 3.2k MMR. Not sure if that is below or above average start.

When luck turn into sorrows.

When I was a kid, my family and I stayed with my relatives. So when I was playing about 20 meter away from my parents, who are talking to my relative, I found RM5 on the ground and picked it up. I am so happy and ran towards my parent shouting "I found RM5!". RM5 is a big value for me at that time because it was about 20 years back. Unfortunately for me, my relative who is talking to my parent straight say "Oh, you found my RM5. That day I lost my RM5". I have no choice but to return it to her...... 

My elder brother's colleague, found RM5 in the office and she didnt ask the colleague whether anyone lost their RM5 or not. She used the money and buy food. Next day, she had stomach ache.

My younger brother's friend, found a wallet with RM500 inside. His friend is just a kid at that time. With such a big amount of money, of course he will tell his parent. So his mom kept the wallet and say "I will apply astro with this". A bit funny too because astro is recurring payment every month and how long can the RM500 last.